The Best Thing My Father Has Ever Said

Much like myself, my father thinks he's right about pretty much everything, and enjoys telling my mom when she's wrong. He has a certain kind of smugness when correcting here, that I wish I could replicate here. You really had to be on the phone to fully appreciate it, but (especially those of you who've met my conservative, Texas-bred parents), try to imagine this discourse:

My Mom: Guess what movie we watched last weekend?
Me: Uhhhhh...I dunno...Brokeback Mountain.
My Mom: You guessed it!
Me: Really? Wow. Hunh. What did you think when Dad brought that home from the video store?
My Dad: I didn't.
My Mom: No, I got it from the library. I saw it there and realized if I didn't bring it home first, your father would spend $4.99 to rent it...so I figured I should just get it.
Me: Never woulda guessed. What did you think?
My Mom: My stomache was churning the whole time -- sometimes I couldn't watch.
My Dad: I thought it was a "tender love story" (blazing sarcasm).
My Mom: Now, Geoff, did you think Ennis was actually straight?
(a beat)
Me: Uhhhh....no. What do you mean?
My Mom: Well, he was forced to do those things by the other one -- the one who always had his eye on the men.
Me: He wasn't forced to do anything.
My Mom: Ennis got raped by him in the beginning.
(a beat)
My Dad: Ennis was on top, dear.

I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard.


(Also amazing is that my mom watched the whole movie thinking that Heath Ledger was the victim of Jake Gyllenhaal -- kinda funny, but also kinda sad.)